This post is graphic in nature, viewer discretion is advised.....

Hello everybody. In the sports world Lance won again, the NHL is back, NFL training camps are opening, my beloved (and bad) Reds are in town taking on the Padres who have a two game lead in the NL west (bad as well). But this week I don't want to write about sports. Other matters are on my mind, namely porn.

I had a discussion last week with my neighbor. She's 35, two kids, second marriage, petite and cute, not my type. We started talking about things we did when we were younger. The fellas and I used to sneak into an X-rated drive-in theatre. Occasionally we'd get busted and escorted out. That opened up the can-o-porn worms. I went on to say I still watch porn and my wife knows it. How much I see she doesn't know.....but it's all good. Hell, she's the beneficiary of my porn consumption. I use it like a kind of viagra let's say. Very effective, mucho cheaper. I digress. So my neighbor gives me one of those disgusted looks like I'm the white MJ (whiter) and says to me "watching porn is just as bad as cheating".

WHAT? It wasn't the "porn is degrading to women" card, it wasn't the "porn cheapens sex" card. It is cheating, adultery, fuckin' around behind her back. I knew going in she didn't approve of hubby watching it, he had already told me. But I didn't know why. I was floored and decided to not debate the issue with her. "Oh really.....what are you guys gonna do this weekend? So the next day I'm talking to a filmschool buddy back east. He's 49, second marriage, at first glance seems conservative but really has a wild streak in him. I recount for him the horror spewed from my neighbors lips. Silence. Then "yeah, my wife feels the same."

WHAT? My poor friend. Later I wonder just how many women feel that way? It's no fuckin' wonder the divorce rate is like 60 percent. Jesus, how low can a persons self-esteem go to be threatened by IMAGES? If you're a chick and you agree with this concept of watching porn is cheating, you need to run to the nearest therapist for help. And I'd be willing to bet money your marriage is on the rocks and/or you've already been through a divorce. That would be like me telling my wife she can't watch the Oxygen network anymore. Or no more TLC shows about interior design, make-overs, or fashion police telling people how stupid they look in the clothes they buy. Give me a few grrr to update my wardrobe and I promise I'll look good too. Target just doesn't have the selection to make me into a chick magnet. I digress.

So talk to me fellas. How many of you are married or dating a girl who feels so strongly about porn? Let Diamond Dave know and I'll include you in my prayers....after I finish watching "Debbie Does Dallas 6"

Bernard, Natalie & Diamond Dave-Psychic

Hello everybody. Let's talk boxing. So Bernard Hopkins (46-3-1) is protesting/appealing the judges score from Saturday nights loss to Jermain Taylor (24-0). It was a split decision with judge Duane Ford giving the final round to Taylor and the loss to BH.

Boo-fuckin hoo Bernie....why did you let it come down to that? It's all on you and your performance in the previous rounds. In the first eight rounds you landed on average five punches per round. Your opponent landed an average of nine per round. Are you kidding me? Bernard, if you would have been the executioner those previous eight rounds it wouldn't have come down to Mr. Fords scorecard. We can't control others, only ourselves. You BH have your fate in your hands whenever you step between the ropes and you blew it.

My advice....sorry too late for DD's help cause you've already embare-ASSED yourself with this appeal. If you ever find yourself in the same situation, do this Bernie. Make some excuse for yourself, suck up the loss while kissing your opponents ass, then in the rematch embare-ASS him! Use the popcorn kernel shell excuse. You know those little slivers of brownish stuff that come from popcorn and they get wedged down in between your gum and tooth. You can feel that shit with your tongue, feels like a brick. If you're lucky you pop it out with the end of your drink straw or your finger but usually you have to wait until you get home and get that bad boy out with your toothbrush. In the meantime you drive yourself crazy contorting your tongue, digging at it, digging at it. If you're at a movie, forget it....you will have no recollection of the film you just paid nine-fifty to see. You keep digging at it, digging at it. So tell HBO after the fight, you had one of those popcorn thingy shells in your gum for eight rounds and couldn't concentrate.

I'm oldschool, so I do think the judging of the fight was odd but I can't single out Duane Ford. Back in the day, a challenger had to take the title away from the champ. Judges gave the decision to the champ if it was close, kinda like the benefit of the doubt went to him. After all, he is DEFENDING the title. The challenger's task was to be aggressive, go after it, show he is better than the champ. If it came down to the last round and the champ had never touched the canvas, save for a last round knock-out, the champ retains the crown because....he's the champ. So, in this case Bernard should have won on the cards. Obviously, Taylor didn't do enough to take it away from Hopkins if he's only landing nine shots per round. In a perfect world I guess...

Hey, have you guys checked out LPGA hottie Natalie Gulbis? Type her name into a search engine and check her out. I don't know if she has game....I really don't care if she does cause I don't keep up with chick games (except beach volleyball). Speaking of LPGA I was so glad Michelle Wie lost her chance to play in the Masters. Her and Annika can stay right where they are in the golfing world food chain. Until they win EVERY LPGA event they enter, they have no business showing up dudes. It's bad for our gender...

Finally, last week I wrote that Lance wouldn't win the Tour de France this year because of Sheryl and her sweet ass. I also wrote Tiger was also inflicted with "low testosterone due to frequent ejaculations" and the infliction was screwing up his golf game. Well, lets see...Tiger won the British, leading wire to wire and as of this writing Lance is positioned to win his 7th Tour.

It always happens to me. Whatever I say, the opposite happens. What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm gonna do the reverse psycho thing. If I really want something to happen, I'm gonna write or say the opposite from now on. Got it?

The Padres are gonna end up in the cellar of the NL west, a losing streak to end all losing streaks. The Dolphins aren't gonna win any games this year. Phil Jackson will be fired after the Lakers worst season ever unfolds. The war In Iraq will go on for years. Hillary will be the next president.

Actually, this is what happened with the whole Lance, Tiger thing last week. While I was writing last week I was eating popcorn...

The NFL Network, baseball's All-Star Game and Lance. Hello everybody, it's a great day to be alive! My life has changed for the better and I'd like to share my good fortune with you all. I NOW HAVE THE NFL NETWORK!!! YES! YES! YES! It actually came down on July 1st, our local cable company here in beautiful SoCal added the all football channel and I've never been happier. My wife....that's a different story. As I danced and shook my ass in front of the tv screen while Rich Eisen and Sterling Sharpe talked about rookie receivers I sensed an energy in the room which was conspiring against my new found glee. I glanced to the right to see my wife of 19 years give me a look....it's the same look you get on your face when you see an over-weight dude wearing a speedo at the beach....or some old lady wearing a belly shirt, her long grey hair flowing just above the new ink she got in the small of her back. My eleven year old just looked at me and said the same word we say to the dog when he gets rowdy-"Settle" as in settle down. My own family can't share my enthusiasm. Some people just don't get it....
The baseball All-Star game is on tonight. It's really the only "all-star" game worth watching. The NFL Pro Bowl is all offense, same with the NBA all-star contest. The NHL, well we won't even go there. Sorry for you NHL fans, life sucks right about now huh? It'll be back....
Finally, the Tour de France is under way and I'm here to tell you Lance won't win this one. Whoa, hold on! I love Lance as much as the next guy but he's got a problem he never had in the previous Tours. Her name is Sheryl Crow. It happened to Pete Sampras, it happened to Tiger. When a dude is in the early stages of lust, I mean love, he's not the same. His testosterone is at an all time low. He is at a very vulnerable point in his life. Now if these times coincide with some important sporting event he's going to participate in, his abilities are going to be compromised. You guys know I'm right. All the chicks reading this are going to be rolling their eyes, like "Please??" Kinda like the way my wife looked at me while I strutted to the voices of Rich and Sterling....

Let's talk tennis and nascar this wonderful July 4th weekend. NBC broadcast the Wimbledon finals and the rain-delayed Pepsi 400 at Daytona. First, a thought about the All England Club ladies semi featuring defending champ and hot-as-hell Maria Sharapova vs. Venus Williams. Miss hottie lost. Damnit! Really I'm on the fence on this one. Part of me wants hot chicks to rule womens sports. Admit it, all us guys would watch the WNBA if all the players were young and attractive. On the other hand, it's nice to see hotties not always get what they want. Kinda keeps 'em grounded. Reminds them the princess doesn't always get prince charming.
It's obvious Maria does need to do something about her serve. She needs to hit the gym, pump some iron so she can pop that serve in there with the power shown by Venus. Power is what separates the Williams sisters from all the other ladies on tour. They do run into trouble when their opponent has a great return game. Which is the other thing Maria needs to do...develop a better return. You can win tennis matches without a big serve, hell Connors is proof of that. But Jimbo had the equalizer, his return game. So Miss Hottie, bulk up a bit, find a male practice partner and just return his serve all day and you'll be back on centre court, hoisting that trophy above your head while I adore and admire your hottness from afar.
The ladies final was the longest ever at Wimbledon and the best in my opinion. What a match! Davenport had match point on Venus in the second set but couldn't put Williams away. The third set went 9-7 and Venus won her third singles title. Venus' strength and stamina were the deciding factors. At 7-7 in the third they had a 25 shot rally with Venus winning the point but from that point on it was over. Davenport was outta gas. An instant classic even non-tennis fans could appreciate.
Later in the day the Pepsi 400 was rain delayed 2 and a half hours. The race was over around 1:40 am eastern time. Am I the only one who was wondering what the hell is wrong with this picture! At what point was nascar going to throw in the towel and run the race the next day? How is the network involved in the decision? Or are they? You think execs at NBC were happy with the late-night race? They had to have been pissed as hell. How about those sponsors who paid big bucks for commercial time, think they were smiling ear to ear? Unbelievable! Nascar should have cancelled the race and let'em run it the following day. That way everyone who wanted to see it could have.
Speaking of NBC, the Pepsi 400 was the first telecast of the year for them. For some stupid reason FOX shows the first portion of the racing season then NBC takes over. I'm here to tell you NBC's coverage sucks! The camera shots aren't as good especially that one where the cars go from the bottom of the screen to the top and all we see are the backends as they enter and leave the viewing area. What the hell is that? The commentators are another story. Benny Parsons is good, Wally Dallenbach is horrible! Who is this guy? I did some research on Wally. He raced from 1991 to 2001 for a total of 226 races. He has no championships, no wins, no poles, 6 top 5's, 23 top 10's and 59 DNF's. I don't know about you but I have no respect for this guy at all. NBC doesn't need him, Parsons has enough experience and personality to carry the broadcasts. Show Wally the door! I'm gonna have a T-shirt made with that on the front.
As far as the race, Tony Stewart dominated. He set a record for leading the most laps in a 400 mile race. I watched it all since I live on the left coast, lucky me.
Thanks for reading the BBZ.....till next time I'm OUT!